Post-partum blues, pre-partum?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m bummed.  I would say depressed, but I’m not a fan of that word. 

At the mid-point in my pregnancy, I’m bored with “watching my baby grow.”  They are taking away all my responsibility at work, only to replace it with piddly tasks.  I don’t want to spend any more money on renovating, or doing the nursery right now.  And, to top it all off, my husband’s ex is losing weight, getting fit, and looking great.  Or at least she’s looking better than me!  

(I know, I know, I shouldn’t compare myself, but really, who REALLY doesn’t compare themselves?  Comparison is the thief of joy, yes, but what else can you do?!  Everyone does it naturally, and if you say you don’t you’re either lightyears ahead of all the rest of us emotionally, or you’re a big fat liar.) 

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Also, I’m stressing out about the thought of having to take care of a newborn with my current schedule.  An hour commute each way doesn’t lend itself to very well to being a mom to a newborn, I don’t think.  I’m dreading having to pump in the dang storage room at work (no, we don’t have a nice “nursing mothers room.”).  

And the thought of trying to keep my new baby, stepsons, husband, and myself happy and healthy after the baby is born is, frankly, terrifying.  I have failed at keeping just myself, husband, and stepsons happy and healthy WITHOUT a newborn!  

I feel like I’ve just failed at all this wife-ing and step-mom-ing stuff, and fast-foward 6 months, I’ll be able to add mom-ing to the list, too!  Every time I lower my expectations of myself, or reset my goals to responsibilities I think I can actually handle, I lose a piece of myself.  That’s not who I am.  

My sister and I were talking about this the other day, and she pointed out that part of being a mom is lowering all your expectations to the point where nothing surprises or disappoints you.  Most pregnancy and mom advice includes, “Don’t expect too much of yourself,” “don’t be disappointed when all your hopes and dreams about your family don’t come true,” “don’t be surprised when you lose the ability to control your bodily functions before, during, and after labor,” “it’s all a natural part of life.”  

I used to tell women who are moms from women who aren’t by looking at their eyes.  Women who are moms have a dullness to their eyes that’s discouraging, to say the least.  It’s like there is no more mystery in the world to them, or something.  

Well I say that’s stupid.  And I hate it.  There has got to be a better way.  We are frickin’ princesses, for Pete’s sake.  

 

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2 thoughts on “Post-partum blues, pre-partum?

  1. Oh, love. I would say maybe there is something to that…when you look at a woman who is a mother, you see a difference…because “there is no more mystery in the world”…but it isn’t because she’s let go of everything…and it’s because she’s already experienced one of the top two greatest mysteries of the world (childbirth and death, being the two). My mom once told me that there was no time in her life that she felt more connected to the entire universe than while she was birthing my brother and me. Having had one baby, I completely agree with that.

    There is pressure in these modern times to be so much. One of our jobs as a mother/parent is to find the balance. Find a balance that works for you when juggling yourself/your family/your partner/work. Notice I put “yourself” first…so crucial, Dori. YOU are the most important person in your life…EVEN after your baby is born. You do what you need to do to feel balanced, and everything else will fall into place, love.

    Best luck to you on your new adventure! ❤

    • Thanks for the kind words, Abby. 🙂 I was re-reading that post yesterday and it sounded very harsh and unkind. I like the way you put it much better than the way I did.

      I feel overwhelmed so much lately, but I think I’m growing. I think. There are so many wonderful things that are happening in my life right now, but I’m usually too consumed with feeling overwhelmed that I don’t enjoy them! I usually look back and enjoy what “was,” instead of focusing on enjoying what “is.”

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